Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Tells you a lot about my neighborhood
Back in DC I managed to stay off most direct marketing lists... I got a lot of mail from some crazy dentist in Dupont Circle, and the occasional update from WASA letting me know how leaded my water was, but nothing too odd.
So I was a little surprised when The Neptune Society sent me an interesting solicitation last week. I wasn't familiar with the Neptune Society prior to receiving the mailing, so obviously their marketing is effective. Given Seattle's proximity to water and Neptune being the Roman God of the sea I wondered if there wasn't some sort of nautical adventure awaiting me inside the cream colored envelope.
That's when I noticed their pitch: Free Pre-Paid Cremation! Details Inside!
I was a bit taken aback by the exclamation marks. I mean, yeah, this is part of life, but is it part of life that requires excitement and urgency! Through the mail! Really!
Anyways, they had me at Free, and I opened the letter. Turns out that over 60% of Washingtonians have chosen cremation (!), and the numbers are increasing every year (!). They announced the winner of last months drawingThe Neptune folks even follow the rules of consulting and give me three bullet points as to why so many of my fellow residents are making this decision (simple personal services, cheaper, less environmental impact). The Neptune motto? Simple, Economical and Dignified (!).
The letter goes on into some more detail about why pre-paying is the right way to go (obviously they are not forecasting hyperinflation). But the best part is the small type. Coming from a credit card company this is always true in direct marketing, although we never had anything this good:
Wow. I mean, that obviously wasn't in the first draft, but you know at some point many years ago their timing proved to be a little bit too good, and that was their response. Ooops, we're sorry if marketing death services turns out to be distasteful. Anyways, I'm taking the risk and not prepaying for my cremation at this point.
So I was a little surprised when The Neptune Society sent me an interesting solicitation last week. I wasn't familiar with the Neptune Society prior to receiving the mailing, so obviously their marketing is effective. Given Seattle's proximity to water and Neptune being the Roman God of the sea I wondered if there wasn't some sort of nautical adventure awaiting me inside the cream colored envelope.
That's when I noticed their pitch: Free Pre-Paid Cremation! Details Inside!
I was a bit taken aback by the exclamation marks. I mean, yeah, this is part of life, but is it part of life that requires excitement and urgency! Through the mail! Really!
Anyways, they had me at Free, and I opened the letter. Turns out that over 60% of Washingtonians have chosen cremation (!), and the numbers are increasing every year (!). They announced the winner of last months drawingThe Neptune folks even follow the rules of consulting and give me three bullet points as to why so many of my fellow residents are making this decision (simple personal services, cheaper, less environmental impact). The Neptune motto? Simple, Economical and Dignified (!).
The letter goes on into some more detail about why pre-paying is the right way to go (obviously they are not forecasting hyperinflation). But the best part is the small type. Coming from a credit card company this is always true in direct marketing, although we never had anything this good:
Please accept our apologies if this letter has reached you at a time of serious illness or death in your family.
Wow. I mean, that obviously wasn't in the first draft, but you know at some point many years ago their timing proved to be a little bit too good, and that was their response. Ooops, we're sorry if marketing death services turns out to be distasteful. Anyways, I'm taking the risk and not prepaying for my cremation at this point.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Naked peaches
I'm now making pretty regular trips to Pike Place Market to get produce on the weekends. Its relatively inexpensive and now that I've found the best vendors the quality is just incredible. I'd been focusing on cherries, mushrooms, and apples until two weeks ago when Huan informed me that the peaches were pretty good. I feel like I have a fairly refined palate when it comes to peaches; my family would often be in South Carolina during prime peach season when I was growing up, and even though Georgia might be known as the Peach State, South Carolina more than holds its own.
So when the guy hawking peaches last week claimed that these were the best peaches anyone had ever had, I told him that I had had a couple of good peaches in my day. He cut a slice off his sample peach and told me that my order would be free if I could look him in the face and tell him it wasn't the best peach I had ever had.
I paid for my peaches.
Sadly, the State of Washington seems to be home to peach fuzz eaters. Again, I feel as if I come from peach country, and I can't seem to remember anyone eating a fuzzy peach. Peaches, like oranges and kiwis and bananas, are meant to be peeled. To this day it freaks me out when I see someone just grab a peach and go to town. Maybe this is one of those things where I'm a freak (since nearly everyone I talk to seems to eat fuzzy peaches), but if so, I'm a freak on a terrific moral high ground.
Peel your peaches. Please. At least in front of me.
So when the guy hawking peaches last week claimed that these were the best peaches anyone had ever had, I told him that I had had a couple of good peaches in my day. He cut a slice off his sample peach and told me that my order would be free if I could look him in the face and tell him it wasn't the best peach I had ever had.
I paid for my peaches.
Sadly, the State of Washington seems to be home to peach fuzz eaters. Again, I feel as if I come from peach country, and I can't seem to remember anyone eating a fuzzy peach. Peaches, like oranges and kiwis and bananas, are meant to be peeled. To this day it freaks me out when I see someone just grab a peach and go to town. Maybe this is one of those things where I'm a freak (since nearly everyone I talk to seems to eat fuzzy peaches), but if so, I'm a freak on a terrific moral high ground.
Peel your peaches. Please. At least in front of me.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Pics
Lots of posts with text, so here are some pictures to soften the blow. Above: the view of downtown from my office. Below: My office and the football stadium.
The fake druggies on the bus
One of the problems with uptight Seattlites is that no one will stand up to obnoxious people (they probably go home and blog about it rather than doing something). The buses here are often filled with young kids full of braggadocio who talk loudly about who they are having sex with or what drugs they are doing. I had a wonderful experience today sitting in front of three kids who, other than a few extra piercings, look like 95% of the other kids in Seattle... white, nattily dressed in an Urban Outfitters kind of way, probably the sons and daughters of two Microsoft engineers.
Anyways, here are a few of the gems from the conversation. I actually wrote them down:
Anyways, here are a few of the gems from the conversation. I actually wrote them down:
- Everyone was referred to by a nickname. But what struck me was how obviously contrived the nicknames were: Insomnia, Blue, Two-tone (or Tu-tone), Ashtray. Except for poorly written Saturday morning tv shows o one has nicknames like that. Real nicknames are ones that the nicknam-ee don't really like. Dickey. Shitty. Gonz. Chazz. Goose. These were the nicknames I knew of in college (Dickey was mine), and no one was really that jazzed about having them (I certainly wasn't). But no one earns Ashtray... they sit around thinking about it and make a declaration "I will henceforth be known as Ashtray."
- "He's better when he's on meds or on crack." One girl actually said this. While I doubt they know anyone who has actually used crack, they are missing something. No one is better on crack. The term "crackhead" is not a compliment for a reason.
- They were shocked that undercover cops looked "hella, hella normal." Um, yeah. That's why they are undercover. And this is Seattle. No "hella"s please.
- All the kids were talking about how they wouldn't snitch if picked up by the cops. One actually said they would rather do 2-3 years in jail than snitch on their friends who were using drugs. Maybe this is true, but I'm sure that mom and dad's lawyers would convince them otherwise. Or, hours 1 through 5 in prison. I'm guessing they wouldn't make the two years.
- Right before they got off the bus the dude in the group was telling a story about his friend who got jumped because "They knew he wouldn't do anything." Apparently, "they" left him alone because he was from the "west side of Phoenix." Um, since when does that make you hard? Google "Phoenix west side". When the first entry is "Westside Urology", well, you're neighborhood can't be that tough. I could be wrong, but I'm guessing it's no Bronx, Anacostia, South-side Chicago, East L.A., etc.
Huan is ruining lives
To say that Huan has "blown up" since arriving in Seattle is an understatement. How many writers for alt-weeklies become world-renowned freak dance experts? His stories have been skewered by the blogosphere* before publication and some cover art of a story he wrote pissed off parents throughout the city and made the evening news.
But now he's getting people fired.
That's not a true statement at all. Uptight Seattlites have decided to fire people, most likely based on a story Huan wrote. I found it much more creepy that the high school girls invited Huan to the prom for 30 seconds before he pointed out that it would be "weird." Sadly, he would have been my second post-college roommate to attend prom had the invite been accepted.
All this comes just a week after the wife of a friend of ours got pissed at Huan for writing about Safeco Field's absurd "red card" fan behavior tool and mentioning our friend by name. She was convinced that he would summarily be fired after it became public knowledge that he had both A) gone to a baseball game and B) had a beer.
Why the recap of Huan's Seattle reign of terror? Because I'm terrified of what might happen after he comes golfing with Tyler H and I on Sunday. Theoretically he's going to write about the course, but I'm sure it will be misinterpreted in a way that will cost me my job. Or, worse, get me banned from the golf course.
* I despise the term blogosphere. It's not like the the Interwebs are a physically distinct world that emits commentary. It's easier to publish via the web than via pamphlet, but it's the same idea. Thus that is that last time that the b-word shall be used here.
But now he's getting people fired.
That's not a true statement at all. Uptight Seattlites have decided to fire people, most likely based on a story Huan wrote. I found it much more creepy that the high school girls invited Huan to the prom for 30 seconds before he pointed out that it would be "weird." Sadly, he would have been my second post-college roommate to attend prom had the invite been accepted.
All this comes just a week after the wife of a friend of ours got pissed at Huan for writing about Safeco Field's absurd "red card" fan behavior tool and mentioning our friend by name. She was convinced that he would summarily be fired after it became public knowledge that he had both A) gone to a baseball game and B) had a beer.
Why the recap of Huan's Seattle reign of terror? Because I'm terrified of what might happen after he comes golfing with Tyler H and I on Sunday. Theoretically he's going to write about the course, but I'm sure it will be misinterpreted in a way that will cost me my job. Or, worse, get me banned from the golf course.
* I despise the term blogosphere. It's not like the the Interwebs are a physically distinct world that emits commentary. It's easier to publish via the web than via pamphlet, but it's the same idea. Thus that is that last time that the b-word shall be used here.
Smug Seattle
This is the kind of attitude from "native" Seattlites that bewilders me.
It's one thing to have pride in your home, whether it be a town or a region or a country, but they don't really have that here in Seattle. They have anti-pride. They aren't ashamed of aspects of the city, but rather they share a smug happiness when transplants (like myself) find things about the city that are disagreeable. This is unlike many places I've been... New Yorkers have no problem telling you why your city is inferior because there is nothing you can do there that they can't do in New York. Folks from DC think its quaint that you might have a "mayor" in your town, because they have a "president." People in LA complain about the traffic, but it seems a worthwhile trade for the weather, the beautiful people, and the access to beaches and mountains.
But in Seattle it seems chic to brag about being able to deal with the gray. I've blogged about the weather a lot, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't take a little time to adapt. But let's get serious: it's not very hard to adapt to "mild." This isn't Minneapolis in the winter, or New Orleans in the summer. Who brags about adjusting to the middle? And who brags about one of the bad aspects of their city?
Seattle has a lot to be proud of: it's clean, it has stunning views of mountains to the east and west, there's more outdoors activities nearby than any other major city in the US, there's a great music scene, it is home to several wildly successful companies... Seriously. Show some pride. You aren't Dallas (which has nothing to brag about, yet Texans just seem to love it).
It's one thing to have pride in your home, whether it be a town or a region or a country, but they don't really have that here in Seattle. They have anti-pride. They aren't ashamed of aspects of the city, but rather they share a smug happiness when transplants (like myself) find things about the city that are disagreeable. This is unlike many places I've been... New Yorkers have no problem telling you why your city is inferior because there is nothing you can do there that they can't do in New York. Folks from DC think its quaint that you might have a "mayor" in your town, because they have a "president." People in LA complain about the traffic, but it seems a worthwhile trade for the weather, the beautiful people, and the access to beaches and mountains.
But in Seattle it seems chic to brag about being able to deal with the gray. I've blogged about the weather a lot, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't take a little time to adapt. But let's get serious: it's not very hard to adapt to "mild." This isn't Minneapolis in the winter, or New Orleans in the summer. Who brags about adjusting to the middle? And who brags about one of the bad aspects of their city?
Seattle has a lot to be proud of: it's clean, it has stunning views of mountains to the east and west, there's more outdoors activities nearby than any other major city in the US, there's a great music scene, it is home to several wildly successful companies... Seriously. Show some pride. You aren't Dallas (which has nothing to brag about, yet Texans just seem to love it).
Monday, June 18, 2007
Pigs
Strangely, this post has nothing to do with pork, or at least edible pork. It would seem that the pig is some sort of symbol of the Pike Place Market, despite the fact that the amount of seafood sold at the market is probably 10-15x the amount of pork sold at the market. It turns out that this is the 100th birthday of the Market, so there are all sorts of events building up to August 18th. Mainly this means that the Market is crazy busy during the weekend, making it miserable for locals like myself to go shopping (it really does have fantastic produce stands).
As part of the celebration they have put up these fiberglass pigs all around the city... I assume they are sponsored by various businesses who decorate them to represent their company. For those of you in DC, they're a lot like the Pandas that were in town a couple of years ago, only they aren't frequently vandalized.
Anyways, I think they are cool. So here are some pictures:
As part of the celebration they have put up these fiberglass pigs all around the city... I assume they are sponsored by various businesses who decorate them to represent their company. For those of you in DC, they're a lot like the Pandas that were in town a couple of years ago, only they aren't frequently vandalized.
Anyways, I think they are cool. So here are some pictures:
Chillax
When I get back to the East Coast in a couple of weeks you might find a couple of new words in my vocabulary. One is bogart, as in "That guy bogarted three parking spots." That's actually a pretty old term, but I've found it particular descriptive recently.
Obviously the other word is chillax, as in "This is where I chill. And relax. Where I chillax." I plan on chillaxing at the beach, in DC, and in various other places in the next couple of weeks. Charlie Murphy may not be as universally funny as his brother or as Dave Chapelle, but given the right material I think he can top them both.
Obviously the other word is chillax, as in "This is where I chill. And relax. Where I chillax." I plan on chillaxing at the beach, in DC, and in various other places in the next couple of weeks. Charlie Murphy may not be as universally funny as his brother or as Dave Chapelle, but given the right material I think he can top them both.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Relative silence
I've been getting some complaints from all four blog readers about not posting very frequently. This is true. I have no real excuses other than noting that my life has been quite dull, and I'd like to avoid minutiae (except when said minutiae involves pork). I've also been working a lot, and while there are lots of comments I'd like to make about that, discretion is the better part of valor.
But, some highlights of blog posts likely to appear this weekend:
But, some highlights of blog posts likely to appear this weekend:
- What I think will be a funny discussion of odors and Alzheimers
- Pigs
- Maybe more golf (sorry, I know those are brutal)
Things I like wrapped in bacon
Please add "grilled asparagus" to the list of things that I enjoy when wrapped in bacon. Or pancetta, as the case may be.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
9-5-6-7-8-6-7-4-7 is not a phone number
My friend Will tells a really good story about realizing that there is such a thing as a "good" double bogey in golf. He made this realization while playing Bethpage Black, which is rated the 6th most difficult golf course in the country.
None of my four doubles yesterday could be considered "good" double bogies.
I am really hoping that the damage from yesterday's round ended when I climbed into the dry cocoon of my car, because I haven't broken 100 (in the bad way) since May 8, 2005. The last time I shot higher than 102 was May 23, 2004. Was yesterday my Mickelson at Winged Foot moment?
There are pretty good signs that it won't be. The first mitigating circumstance was the weather. It was awful. If I had brought my camera it would have produced a picture approximately like this:
The rain in Seattle is generally supposed to be intermittent... there are rare days when it rains constantly, and yesterday happened to be one of those days. I was as well equipped for the weather as I could be... rain jacket, umbrella, quick drying action pants, rain gloves, etc. But at the end of the day you can't escape the fact that standing outside in the rain for five hours just sucks. The next time you are in the shower imagine playing golf in identical conditions. As being in the shower. Miserable. And as many of you know, I am not an all-weather type guy. I can deal with wind on the golf course, but not rain.
The other factor that makes me believe this was a temporary hiccup in my quest for the 70s is that I came back relatively strong on the back 9. My tee shot on 3 was my 15th shot of the round. My chip onto 13 green was my 15th shot of the back 9. I joked with Tyler H. that I was going to improve by 20 shots on the back... I didn't quite get that far, but I did improve by 13 (59-46).
The funny thing is that while I was busy losing balls (7 for the round, which is a personal worst in the last 4 years) Hobbs was going low. He hit a joke of a chip on #1 that went in the hole, and birdied #3. He went out in 38, but my quality golf seemed to rub off on him and he regressed to a 46 on the back. Still, his 84 beat my 105 by, um, a lot. More than the 6 strokes he gave me in skins.
(Our playing partners actually had to ask the marshal to bring them more golf balls on the 13th hole... I've never seen this actually happen before, but it did. They moved up and started playing the white tees. The marshal then told me (thinking I was requesting the extra balls) to take less club off the tee and keep the ball in the fairway. I nearly brained him with my putter. The last thing I need is some old man telling me that it's better to keep the ball in play. Really Sherlock? I must have missed that during my Obvious Golf Lessons class. That guy ruined my last four holes. Wiseman would be talking about this guy for a month.)
And with that, there shall be no more discussion of any golf that may or may not have happened on June 10, 2007.
None of my four doubles yesterday could be considered "good" double bogies.
I am really hoping that the damage from yesterday's round ended when I climbed into the dry cocoon of my car, because I haven't broken 100 (in the bad way) since May 8, 2005. The last time I shot higher than 102 was May 23, 2004. Was yesterday my Mickelson at Winged Foot moment?
There are pretty good signs that it won't be. The first mitigating circumstance was the weather. It was awful. If I had brought my camera it would have produced a picture approximately like this:
The rain in Seattle is generally supposed to be intermittent... there are rare days when it rains constantly, and yesterday happened to be one of those days. I was as well equipped for the weather as I could be... rain jacket, umbrella, quick drying action pants, rain gloves, etc. But at the end of the day you can't escape the fact that standing outside in the rain for five hours just sucks. The next time you are in the shower imagine playing golf in identical conditions. As being in the shower. Miserable. And as many of you know, I am not an all-weather type guy. I can deal with wind on the golf course, but not rain.
The other factor that makes me believe this was a temporary hiccup in my quest for the 70s is that I came back relatively strong on the back 9. My tee shot on 3 was my 15th shot of the round. My chip onto 13 green was my 15th shot of the back 9. I joked with Tyler H. that I was going to improve by 20 shots on the back... I didn't quite get that far, but I did improve by 13 (59-46).
The funny thing is that while I was busy losing balls (7 for the round, which is a personal worst in the last 4 years) Hobbs was going low. He hit a joke of a chip on #1 that went in the hole, and birdied #3. He went out in 38, but my quality golf seemed to rub off on him and he regressed to a 46 on the back. Still, his 84 beat my 105 by, um, a lot. More than the 6 strokes he gave me in skins.
(Our playing partners actually had to ask the marshal to bring them more golf balls on the 13th hole... I've never seen this actually happen before, but it did. They moved up and started playing the white tees. The marshal then told me (thinking I was requesting the extra balls) to take less club off the tee and keep the ball in the fairway. I nearly brained him with my putter. The last thing I need is some old man telling me that it's better to keep the ball in play. Really Sherlock? I must have missed that during my Obvious Golf Lessons class. That guy ruined my last four holes. Wiseman would be talking about this guy for a month.)
And with that, there shall be no more discussion of any golf that may or may not have happened on June 10, 2007.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
The best TV show ever
Real World Las Vegas. The original + the reunion is just a powerhouse... the combination of Sin City and a set of completely insane people make it must watch TV every week. If you haven't been watching the reunion show the last two weeks, you'll want to catch up. Genius.
Interesting dinner conversations
Had a big Friday night this past weekend... the 19 different versions of HBO I get were showing the full Star Wars series (parts I-VI) in order. I pretended that episodes I-III were never made and watched the bulk of Empire Strikes Back (obviously the best of the bunch). I noted something that had escaped my purview prior to this watching. It occurs during the scene on Cloud City where Lando leads Han and Leia and Chewie to Vader.
Lando opens the door and everyone is stunned to see Vader, but after Vader snatches away Han's gun, everyone continues into the room and seems to sit down at dinner. What in the world do they talk about? The next scene in the movie is Luke taking leave of his Jedi training, so there is obviously some time for the bunch to sit down and enjoy whatever food they enjoy in the far, far, future. Do they talk politics? The market for Tibanna gas?
I think this would be a great McSweeney's article. Other dinner conversations that might be interesting:
Lando opens the door and everyone is stunned to see Vader, but after Vader snatches away Han's gun, everyone continues into the room and seems to sit down at dinner. What in the world do they talk about? The next scene in the movie is Luke taking leave of his Jedi training, so there is obviously some time for the bunch to sit down and enjoy whatever food they enjoy in the far, far, future. Do they talk politics? The market for Tibanna gas?
I think this would be a great McSweeney's article. Other dinner conversations that might be interesting:
- Tiger Woods and Roger Federer: ESPN makes a big deal about the fact that they go watch each other play and then hang out afterwards. Is it possible they really talk about being the best in the world at what they do? "Hey Tiger, don't you like it that you are better than everyone? I do. Pass the onions."
- Any collection of Smurfs. I am a believer in the theory that Smurfs are not, in fact, asexual, and thus the tension amongst the Smurfs would just be unbearable. At some point someone is going to smurf someone else upside the head.
- All of the personalities played by Chevy Chase in Fletch. I mean, if Mr Poon, Harry S Truman, John Cocktosen, it would be fantastic.
Being a bad winner
Team Curtis def. Team Hsu
6-1, 6-4
Yes, the mighty former tennis coach has been felled by someone who couldn't even make his high school team. It might have been the shoes (new on Saturday), or the fact that he was playing with a wooden racket, or the fact that my partner was a lot better than his partner, but any way you slice it 6-1, 6-4 is a pretty solid beating. And as I told Huan after the match "I'm neither a good winner nor a good loser." Thus the headline.
I think it might have been the shoes. Gotta love Nordstrom Rack.
Yes, the mighty former tennis coach has been felled by someone who couldn't even make his high school team. It might have been the shoes (new on Saturday), or the fact that he was playing with a wooden racket, or the fact that my partner was a lot better than his partner, but any way you slice it 6-1, 6-4 is a pretty solid beating. And as I told Huan after the match "I'm neither a good winner nor a good loser." Thus the headline.
I think it might have been the shoes. Gotta love Nordstrom Rack.
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